Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
