Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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