I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Found the puke drawer
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
