Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize
