Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
