My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
