She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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