what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
