where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize