Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
