oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
