literally had 100 drinks last night.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
