I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
i out mim tonsoeep
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
