I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize