dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
