why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
