I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
