census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
