apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
