I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Randomize
