Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
