im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
