Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
do herpes really smell.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
i need to put some appletini on your dick
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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