so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
