It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
