i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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