Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
