I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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