brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
