Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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