is your mom at the bar?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Randomize
