Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
