Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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