So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
