i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
