i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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