yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
