I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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