And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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