I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize