I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Actions speak louder than pants.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
