I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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