A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
