How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
