i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i love accidental penises.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
