if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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