A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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