Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
birth control should be required to get into college
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
