I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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