Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
