I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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