we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
