You're completely useless in the revolution.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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