Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
