I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
worst night to have a conscience
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
