there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
