If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Randomize
