I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
