Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
