I cockslap morals
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
