i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
