im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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